ABC Magazine – Summer 2004

Setting the Scene for a Successful Summer

In theory, the school holidays should offer us a wonderful chance to spend quality time with our children. In reality, the long summer break can lead to short fraying tempers and difficult behaviour all around. Parents who have both pre-school and school age children face particular problems at this time. The normal weekly routine is thrown into disarray and siblings are forced into close proximity to each other. For children who do not normally spend a lot of time together during the day, there are bound to be tensions.

Fortunately, there are lots of strategies that you can use to minimise the chances of poor behaviour happening, and to deal with any problems that crop up. The most important factor in dealing with misbehaviour is to understand why it happens in the first place. Once you know what the likely causes are, you can aim to pre-empt them before they arise.

‘There’s nothing to do!’

One of the biggest causes of friction in the holidays is the feeling that there is ‘nothing to do’. Busy days of schoolwork or pre-school activities are replaced by weeks of free time stretching ahead. For us as parents, time with ‘nothing to do’ might seem like our idea of heaven. For our children it can lead to boredom and consequently to misbehaviour and squabbles.

Children do like to have structure in their lives – they want to know what to expect. The school day is rigidly structured, with daily activities defined by the class timetable. To move from this to the freedom of summer holidays can lead to problems.

To counteract this difficulty, why not create a chart or timetable for each week of the holidays, which can be filled in with a balance of different activities? You might divide the time up into various different categories. For instance, ‘busy fun times’ when you go out and do activities as a family, ‘busy work times’ when chores such as shopping, cleaning and homework must be done, and ‘quiet me times’ when the children should entertain themselves as they wish (and preferably give you a break).

To give your children a sense of ownership of the timetable, it’s a good idea to hold a family meeting at the start of each week. At this meeting your children could contribute their own ideas about the weekly timetable, with you acting as referee. If you have trouble convincing your children to help with the chores, this is a good time to explain that exciting outings will be given as a reward for helpful behaviour.

‘Why should I / shouldn’t I?’

The relaxed feeling that comes with the summer holidays means that your children might be tempted to push at the boundaries to see what they can and cannot do. The more casual home environment replaces the authority of school and teachers and boundary testing such as swearing and fighting might appear. This can be very stressful for us as parents, so it’s important to understand exactly how you should react.

First and foremost, apply the ‘Seven C’s’ as described in my book, “Getting your Little Darlings to Behave”. These state that you should aim to be:

- Certain about the behaviour you want;
- Confident that you are going to get the behaviour you’ve asked for;
- Consistent in treating the same misbehaviour the same way every time;
- Calm when misbehaviour does occur;
- Caring to show your children that you’re firm because you love them;
- Careful not to tread too hard on your children’s thoughts and feelings; and
- Creative about the different strategies that you use in getting good behaviour.

Applying all this is a tall order, I know, but it really is the best way to get the good behaviour that you want. A useful summary of the attitude you need to take is ‘be reasonable, but don’t reason with them.’ If what you ask of your children is fair, there is no need to get drawn into pointless arguments and angry confrontations. State what you want, or what is going to happen, and be firm about it. Remember that if your children sense any uncertainty they may try to take advantage.

Depending on your parenting style, you might decide to relax the boundaries a little over the holidays, for instance allowing an older child to stay up later in the evenings. If you do choose to relax the boundaries, then make it clear to your children what you are doing, and that it is a reward for anticipated good behaviour. That way, if they cannot take responsibility for behaving well, you can justifiably take away the extra rights that have been given. This approach will also help you re-set the limits when the school term comes round again.

Make sure that you set up plenty of rewards for sticking to the boundaries. Taking a positive approach to getting what you want will always pay dividends, and it is particularly useful if your children are obstinate when you ask them to help out. Your rewards might be material ones such as sweets or books, or you might use stars on a sticker chart to note good behaviour. Don’t forget that the biggest reward of all is the simplest and easiest to give – your approval and your praise.

‘I can’t be bothered.’

Children can sometimes seem extremely lethargic at the start of the holidays. Do bear in mind that school is tiring, and it could be that your child simply needs a few days to recover. An excellent way to motivate older children is to show your trust by giving them some really adult responsibilities. You might encourage your older child to help out with his or her younger sibling, for instance at dressing or feeding times. Make sure that you reward your child for this, making it clear how delighted you are that he or she can behave in such a grown-up way.

Sometimes sluggishness is caused by too much academic pressure or stress. If this is the case, physical activities such as swimming or sports are a great way to let off steam. They will also ensure that your children are worn out when bedtime comes. Alternatively, why not set up some really messy creative activities, such as cooking or painting? Although the temptation is to avoid these in an effort to keep the house tidy, making a mess is great fun for both you and your children.

Managing behaviour is never easy, but if you approach the summer holidays as a time to have fun and a chance to renew your relationships with your children, you should set the scene for a successful and stress-free summer.

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She Magazine – August 2004

How can I get my kids to behave without shouting at them?

Unless you have the patience of a saint, there are bound to be times when you lose your temper and shout at your kids. The truth is, though, that shouting just doesn’t work as a strategy for managing behaviour. Instead, try the following approaches:

When you feel your temper rising, walk away from the situation and give yourself a few minutes to calm down.

Remember that you provide a role model for your children. If you show aggression or anger, this is what they will learn about how people behave.

Don’t let yourself get defensive. See misbehaviour as separate from your child, rather than designed to deliberately annoy you.

React to misbehaviour with your head not your heart – keep your rational, intellectual side in charge, rather than letting your emotions take control.

Aim to stay calm, responding almost like a robot, with a detached and unemotional voice and manner.

Teach your children to take responsibility for their own behaviour and its consequences by using ‘the choice’. State what the misbehaviour is and why it is not allowed, then say: ‘You have a choice – you can either stop doing ‘x’ now, or you can continue, but you will force me to do ‘y’.’ Let your child have a few minutes to decide what to do.

Use positive statements of what you do want, rather than negative complaints about what you don’t. This will focus your child on the correct behaviour, and help you avoid pointless nagging.

Learn not to take the little misbehaviours too seriously – know when to be flexible about the small stuff. Maintain a good sense of humour – laughter relieves the tension for both you and your child.

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